I thought since I'd forgiven my abusers, I had moved on. I figured it was settled, over, and done... But when I start to scratch beneath the surface, I can feel the storm still raging within me. All the issues I've had over the years stem from the aftermath of abuse.
I should have left then. But I didn’t. He had moved us hundreds of miles away from our family and friends. I didn’t know what to do. And I was scared.
He didn't just physically assault me; that happened sporadically. Every day he demolished my spirit, controlled my mind, dug a grave for my self-esteem, and buried me with his words. I became a prisoner to be ruled, an unworthy subject that was handpicked by the king himself, who allowed me to be a part of his kingdom.
That's the true nature of bipolar disorder. It's a treacherous, lying beast. It makes me feel like a superhero who flies around saving the world by sheer willpower and strength. Then BAM! It sucker-punches me in the gut and sends me spiraling into oblivion with one fell swoop. Enter in my arch-nemesis, The Darkness.
I'm struggling lately. I've been sick for about a month now, and my doctor can't figure out why. I've been tested for covid three times--all negative. White blood count is a little bit low, indicating there may be some sort of virus my body is dealing with, but I'm starting to think, some of this …
This disorder is debilitating. It's too high speed plummeting to deep despairing pits of darkness. It's ugly. It's mean. It's dangerous.
Any efforts I made in trying to make things better were failed attempts, because the hurt was too much for even me to handle. It was ALL out of my control.
If things had come together like I had hoped, I would have missed out on both of the experiences with my grandmothers. Instead, I have moments I can treasure for the rest of my life. So when things don't go as you plan, just know God can see the big picture. We are limited by what we think we know.
Success does not equate to wealth. There are much more impactful ways by which success should be measured.
No child should ever feel like we are too busy to care about their well-being. One student taking his/her life is one student too many.